Kids Say the Darndest Things

Elijah: "Mommy, can we have chicken nuggets and Fwench fries for supper?"

Me: "No, buddy. Not tonight. We’re going to have mac and cheese and green peas."

Elijah: "I! DON’T! WANT! THAT!"

Me: "Don’t start, Elijah. You love green peas. What’s wrong with green peas?"

Elijah: (tears rolling down his cheeks) "IT WILL MAKE ME SICK! IT WILL CUT MY FINGERS!"

Me: "???"

Elijah: "IT WILL MAKE ME FART IN MY BIG-BOY PANTS AND POOP ALL OVER LIGHTNING McQUEEN!"

(note to reader: His big-boy pants are from the movie Cars and have a huge Lightning McQueen on the rear.)

Me: "Elijah, please don’t say “fart”. That’s not a nice word. You can say “pass gas”. That’s nicer." (Inner monologue: Did I say fart or something? Geez, I’m really trying to be careful about things like this. They repeat everything.)

Elijah: "I NOT! I WON’T EAT GWEEN PEAS!"

Me: "Well, that’s fine. I’ll just save your plate then until you’re ready to eat it. You let me know when you’re ready to eat and I’ll warm it up for you."

Jonathan: (sighs dramatically) "Mommy, Jijah’s bein’ a big butthead."

Me: "Jonathan, we don’t say that! Butthead is not a nice thing to say at all! Don’t say that again, please. Who told you that word?" (Inner monologue: ???)

Elijah: "FOR SHIZZLE!"


Dear Lord. Thanks, Snoop Dogg. And thanks, Daddy.