Things I Have Learned as an Adult

Things I have discovered as an adult:

• Owning a couch with removable cushions while raising toddlers is directly associated with facial tics and premature balding.
• Never underestimate the intelligence, resourcefulness, and tenacity of a child capable of any sort of movement.
• Never assume that my $100 vacuum can pick up Froot Loops. (It can’t and live to tell about it.)
• WD-40 gets gum and all manner of sticky crap off of other crap.
• Advil works better than Motrin or Tylenol at relieving headaches fast.
• Never let the words "fart" or "dog poop" slip out around your child. It will come back to haunt you.
• If the oil in your car’s engine looks and feels like beach sand, it’s time to change it.
• Never leave popcorn in the microwave for the time printed on the bag. There’s like a millisecond between being done and oh-my-God-open-the-windows-and-wave-the-broom-under-the-smoke-detector done.
• Being a vegan is impossible.
• How fantastic it is to be a kid.
• Pregnancy changes your body irreparably, and no amount of underwire or Spanx changes that.
• Fighting a pretend battle with the monsters in your kid’s closet is so much more effective than trying to tell him that monsters aren’t real.
• Kids can get stuck in just about anything.
• Ketchup should be its own food group.
• It is nearly impossible to substitute decaf for regular and live to tell about it.
• Kids are instinctively driven to eat dirt the same way that dogs are instinctively driven to eat grass.
• Spray paint and sandpaper are the best (and cheapest) decorating items for a quick change.
• Microfiber couches + children = four bottles of Woolite and six hours of fruitless, back-breaking labor.
• Necessary items for carrying around in the car if you have kids: WD-40, coloring books, crayons, Van Halen CDs, trash bags, baby wipes, Goldfish, water bottles (full ones for drinking and empty ones for peeing), extra clothes, scissors, and duct tape.
• You can buy a new printer for the same amount of money you would spend on new ink cartridges for the printer you already have. Seriously.
• Never speak the words "Christmas", "Santa Claus", or "Gigi's house" until 30 seconds before it actually happens.
• Boys will pee on anything and everything just because they can.
• Your metabolism grinds to a screeching halt as soon as you hit 21.
• They will have elliptical machines in Hell.
• If I was stranded on a desert island and I had only a few things with me, those things would be: Bear Grylls (because then I could actually get OFF the island on a boat made from oyster shells and braided armpit hair), Frances (my personal waxer, and that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Bear Grylls would also be there), Zoloft, and Mountain Dew.